If you become ill, DOES YOUR FAMILY KNOW . . . who is in charge of your medical decisions? If not, this may be the ideal time to hold the family meeting you’ve been postponing—electronically. Why not use the pandemic prompted awareness of our vulnerability to discuss who you have appointed as your medical and legal representatives, your final arrangements, and anything else on your Heritage of Hope Checklist that loved ones need to know? Perhaps this is an opportunity to model your faith in a very practical way.
If you have not yet given your chosen medical advocate legal authority, you are not without the means to do so. Since these important choices deserve more than quick answers, you might want to review a previous blog that discusses your decision–making power regarding your care at the end of life. http://finishlifewell.org/who-decides-when-we-take-our-last-breath. It is strongly suggested that you discuss your preferences for crisis care in some detail with the person you’ve chosen to be your medical advocate. When you are compromised, you may not be able to speak for yourself. None of us can know the circumstances in advance, but we can discuss our preferred options with our chosen decision maker. For example, a person may invest heavily in their health via diet and strenuous exercise yet not want to endure radical medical treatments. An uninformed advocate could interpret their rigorous self-care as a desire to live as long as possible—whatever it takes and unknowingly counter the person’s desire to die peacefully at home. However, if you and your medical advocate have talked your way through the options under Wish 2 on the Five Wishes form, you can both know they will be exercising your wishes.
If you become ill, DOES YOUR FAMILY KNOW . . . who is in charge of your finances? Your medical representative does not need to be the same person who is in charge of your finances. While both need to be capable of rational decisions in the midst of crisis, each role is unique. You have the power to alleviate conflict and misunderstandings by selecting your decision-makers in advance. Confer with them, so you know they are willing, and then empower them legally. Having the voice of authority in the midst of crisis is a tough job. Informing family members of your wishes and who is to carry this weight can ease the burden greatly and avoid much conflict. Please consider setting up a virtual family meeting. If you are not so skilled, ask a friend to assist you.
In the midst of a crisis, few are immune to strong emotions. Some folks tend to be compassionate rescuers shielding and shepherding those who are grieving. Others are accustomed to leadership positions and just assume they are in charge when, perhaps, they are not. Such strong default instincts can do tremendous relational damage. Accordingly, it is essential that you let family members know who is in charge of your decisions when you cannot be. Advance notice allows folks time to deal with jealousy, disappointment, and resentments long before the fact. Family discussions also allow you to invite people to fill other essential positions.
If you become ill, DOES YOUR FAMILY KNOW . . . how they can help? When one is suddenly isolated, hospitalized or dies, many needs will surface. (1) Are there pets? In a crisis with my father, one of our daughters stepped forward and assumed responsibility for her grandpa’s pets. How grateful all of us were. (2) Another need is a gatekeeper—a strong diplomat who can field phone calls and visitors in order to guard your need for peace and quiet yet still appease friends and inquisitive neighbors. I observed a friend’s daughter carry out this challenging role beautifully. Since my friend was well-loved by her community, the household would have been chaotic had she not had a gatekeeper. (3) Another role is that of informing family and friends of what has happened, when the service will be held, or how your recovery is progressing. If you are dealing with a long illness, Caring Bridge https://www.caringbridge.org/ can be a helpful tool. (4) You may need someone to manage the kitchen for a time—keeping track of meals provided and what casserole dish belongs to whom. (5) Finally, daily chores continue to come up—laundry and housecleaning! My sister-in-law was recently given the gift of a deep housecleaning. Having been ill for some time, she was delighted with this practical, thoughtful gift.
I vividly recall the teamwork I observed at a memorial service for a friend with three grown sons. His death was sudden, so his wife was pretty much undone. One son stayed by her side the entire time. If someone was too inquisitive or insensitive during the reception, this son excused them and moved his mother on to another guest. Another son stayed by the door greeting their guests and answering questions. The third son was a rover overseeing their many guests as well as the food offered. Such cooperation and loving respect for their mother was beautiful to behold. You know your own support system. Give this area some thought and if you can, give everyone a job they could do to express their love and support. A constructive focus will help everyone you love.
DOES YOUR FAMILY KNOW . . . that they are loved, forgiven and blessed with prayer? Are there letters tucked away among your important papers that you have carefully written to your special people? We do have the power to bless people. There are stories that only we know. There are words that only we can speak into the lives of those we love. Relationships can be so very difficult, and then suddenly it is too late to make amends. How wonderful for someone estranged to read a letter of forgiveness and be absolved. Words are so very powerful. Let’s put them on paper, so that we may absolve and/or bless those we love. Or make a video . . . whatever works for you and yours.
DOES YOUR FAMILY KNOW . . . you will eventually be with the Lord and what that means? In our first video, Home Free, Libby Boatwright shares how many of the young adults she’s encountered in bereavement counseling lack a sense of eternity. Consequently, physical death hits them especially hard. Often, they are very open to the gospel following the loss of someone they love deeply. Perhaps, you have dear ones who do not yet know Jesus? Why not prepare something—a letter, a journal, even purchase a book—for them now that will answer their questions later? One friend of ours prepared a video. What a delight to see his smiling face one more time on the big screen and watch him explain his faith to anyone present who might not yet know the Lord Jesus. It was powerful and comforting to see and hear his faith expressed so exuberantly.
DOES YOUR FAMILY KNOW . . . who is the selected guardian of your minor children? Losing one’s parents during childhood is a monumental blow. Having parented three adopted children, we’ve witnessed this devastating loss. Creating a sense of continuity by openly discussing your fall back plan is both wise and loving. In the Home Free video, Dave Williams shares how he and his wife included their children in their selection process. Not only did their children have an ongoing relationship with their proposed guardians, they had a say.
DOES YOUR FAMILY KNOW . . . which funeral home to call? Making final arrangements with a funeral home is something most folks resist strongly. Whether you die in an accident, in a hospital, or at home—your people will be immediately asked which funeral home to call. At such an emotional time, rational research and decision-making is unlikely. You can spare them this one crisis by doing the research yourself now. My husband and I realized that completing this task together was a gift we could give each other. Together we investigated local funeral homes, compared, and made our final decisions on a sunny day one February. It is very satisfying to know neither one of us will need to do this while grieving.
If you are a veteran, “Burial benefits available include a grave site in any of our 141 national cemeteries with available space, opening and closing of the grave, perpetual care, a Government headstone or marker, a burial flag, and a Presidential Memorial Certificate, at no cost to the family.” While Veterans do not need to purchase a burial plot at a national cemetery, they will need the services of a funeral home. Find one that works closely with the national cemeteries and furnish them a copy of your DD 214 form.
Final arrangements encompass a variety of options as well as a wide range of pricing. While it is possible to prepay the funeral home’s services, it is not necessary. Do not let the expense keep you from investigating your options. One major decision is whether you wish to be buried in a casket or cremated? Allowing yourself some time to investigate and make your decisions now is a way you can save your family anguish later.
DOES YOUR FAMILY KNOW . . . That is the crucial question. You may have already made all of these important decisions. If your family does not know your plans and know them well—there will still be confusion, crisis, and conflict. I urge you to hold annual family meetings OR conference calls and discuss these hard things. Consider it somewhat like a fire drill. Whether you actually experience an emergency or a slow decline, your people will know your exit plan and wishes, who’s in charge of what, as well as their own job and how they may best support you and your people. There are hard things in this life we cannot alleviate, but this is one area in which knowing the plan makes all the difference—it creates a support team.
