WE MOURN FOLLOWING A DEATH.  Even the peace of those who have released their loved ones in faith is marked by the pain of loss. Thankfully, this grief is recognized and expected. This expectation helps us extend grace to folks who are struggling to function at all and to children who typically act out.  Sadly, our particular culture also seems to expect folks to work through the various stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance as suggested by Kubler Ross & David Kessler) rather quickly. Gone are the days we mourn officially for a year and wear black. Today, bereavement leave is sometimes only three days off work! That is hardly sufficient time to contact relatives and plan a memorial service let alone recover.

ANTICIPATORY GRIEF CAN BE CONFUSING. When folks have struggled with a terminal illness for years, you can be sure their support team has become intimately acquainted with grief. Close family is not shocked when their dear one breathes his/her last. They may even be relieved—relieved that he or she is no longer suffering but released. Relieved that they may again attend to the needs of other family members or even themselves. Released from unrelenting tension to rest and regroup. How very sad when the expectation of visible grief can also be an uninformed source of judgement. Anticipatory grief is real, so let us extend compassion and understanding.

SEASONAL OR TRANSITIONAL GRIEF NOT PRECIPITATED BY NEGATIVE THINGS. Important ties can be interrupted or completely lost due to the natural transitions of this life like a job transfer or the end of military service. The baby becomes a toddler, and the next thing you know they are graduating from high school or college! Growth and accomplishment are good things worthy of celebration, BUT there is a reason mothers cry at weddings. Each season of this life is unique. Tears acknowledge how precious are these gifts of God. Acknowledging one’s transitional grief, even in the midst of celebration, is simply saying good-bye to a cherished season of life.

EXTERNAL FACTORS: OPPOSITION, TRIBULATION, AND TROUBLE. Life is hard, and we are opposed by the Father of Lies, the world system, and our own sin nature. The fall out of war or military service, job loss, false accusations, a business failure and bankruptcy, car accident, house fire, law suits and/or persecution all give us cause to mourn. Often we are blamed for troubles and setbacks over which we had little or no control, but God knows and He is near the brokenhearted.

A BROKEN HEART PROMPTED BY A SEVERED RELATIONSHIP. It may be the betrayal of an unfaithful spouse, a divorce, or an incarceration. Perhaps, a close friend moved or terminated relationship inexplicably. Have you been disowned by your parents or experienced one of your children going ballistic in rebellion? The pain of such relational loss is rarely acknowledged adequately, but God is near the brokenhearted.

GOD’S COMFORT: The losses that break our hearts, tribulation, trouble, and death all cause us to mourn or grieve. God’s unique comfort is the ultimate blessing, yet we tend to avoid all things hurtful and those who grieve. If we will allow it, these trials will also usher into our lives the presence of God and his comfort, even new direction. According to Paul’s second letter to the Corinthians 1:3-7, God’s comfort is so life-altering that the one in receipt of such ministry will actually then be able to comfort others. Heritage of Hope was born after I heard Stu Weber preach from this passage. He encouraged those in transition and wondering about God’s direction for their lives to prayerfully review how the Holy Spirit had most recently ministered to them. Have you experienced God’s comfort in a life-altering way as described in Psalms 30:11? You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; You have put off my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness. Is God calling you into ministry now? Perhaps, you are not there yet but are currently  grieving or realizing that you need to do so? It is important business. Grief has many faces, forms or disguises. I pray you will allow, even seek God’s ministry.

RESOURCES FOR DEALING WITH GRIEF:

GriefShare support groups are designed specifically to deal with the grief precipitated by death. You may visit or join a group at any time as they meet weekly around the world.

Dougy Center has received national and international acclaim for their peer grief support model for helping children cope before and after the death of a family member. The Dougy Center Model has been replicated in over 500 sites throughout the world and is considered a ‘gold standard’ of practice in the field of grief and loss.

Surviving Grief by Sandy Zaugg can be read in a sitting. I suspect the freshly bereaved might read it repeatedly much like one might consult a compass. While the author skillfully validates the emotions involved in loss, her story is not a heart-rending blow by blow that will depress you. Instead, you will connect. I found myself tearing up, laughing out loud and even nodding. Because the author speaks from her heart, the reader does not feel like they are being fed a formula for mental health. Hope is not preached but seems to be unconsciously communicated as Ms. Zaugg identifies the mileposts experienced in her own grieving process. Each of us has a unique journey, but what a comfort and encouragement it is to recognize God’s truth manifested in another’s life. I especially enjoyed reading of friends whose loving responses demonstrated the body of Christ functioning cohesively.  Consequently, Surviving Grief will be helpful not only to one who has experienced a severe loss, but also to his or her friends who are unsure of how to be helpful. Sandy’s suggestions are insightful, practical and creative.

A Grace Disguised; How the Soul Grows Through Loss by Jerry Sittser was precipitated by the sudden, catastrophic loss of three family members. In this rich read, Sittser explores two questions:  What meaning can be gained from suffering, and how can we grow through suffering? I offer three quotes:

  1. I knew I had to make peace with God’s sovereignty, reject God altogether, or settle for a lesser God who lacked the power or desire to prevent the accident. Page 135
  2. Or they avoid the pain of others because it threatens to dismantle their well-built defenses against their own losses. They become protective of the self that resists facing mortality. Page 158
  3. Choosing to withdraw from people and to protect the self diminishes the soul; choosing to love even more deeply than before ensures that we will suffer again, for the choice to love requires the courage to grieve. Page 166

Scriptures: The Psalms

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven.

Matthew 5:4 Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted.

Psalm 30:11 You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; You have put off my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness.

Psalm 34:18 The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves such as have a contrite spirit.

II Corinthians 1:3-4 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.