WHEN YOUR PARENT MOVES IN is written to adult children, the sandwich generation, who may be  contemplating multigenerational living. However, it is also a profitable read for the older parent considering such a change in their living circumstances or even those already in the midst of adjusting to their new life living with an adult child.

GAINS & LOSSES: The many gains of multigenerational living seem obvious: help with the kids, enriched relationships, shared expenses, another cook in the house, and the elder parent living with people who love them. The book Together Again does a thorough job of identifying those benefits and validating them with the testimonies of participants from numerous areas and a variety of circumstances. The authors of When Your Parent Moves In: Every Adult Child’s Guide to Living with an Aging Parent offer a nice counterbalance in that they do a thorough job of identifying the losses also incurred by both generations.

  • The elder parent has lost their home, their own space and routine, their autonomy and sense of authority over the kitchen, or the yard, the work bench, or the TV. Most likely they have already lost a spouse, and now they are losing their health. Perhaps they have moved to a new town and left their friends behind as well. The sale of one’s home and moving in with an adult child necessitates giving up many treasured and comforting possessions as well. During such a transition, grief and loss are coming at the aging parent from every direction.
  • The younger parents, however generous and loving they may be, are also facing loss. The ongoing presence of another adult in one’s home, no matter how much you love them, changes things. The younger adults have lost their privacy at meal times, how they discipline their children is observed, how they talk to each other and resolve their own conflicts is visible, even their routines are thrown off, and of course childhood grievances can surface. To these losses add the responsibility of caregiving whether immediate or eventual, overseeing medications, providing transportation, and the grief of watching one’s parent decline.

RESOURCES FOR PRE-PLANNING: To minimize and offset these losses, the beginning of When Your Parent Moves In  deals with the planning and decision-making process and offers many helpful suggestions and resources. The authors even provide a quiz (page 17) designed to provoke some in-depth thinking about the potential challenges of combining three generations under one roof. Evidently, many such decisions are made in response to a medical crisis and therefore lack these important discussions and the pre-planning that help prevent misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and conflict. A second resource is a glossary of eldercare terms, pages 197-211, such as geriatric care manager, home health care, care plan, and adult day centers. Many older folks have not explored such sources of care, so they determine to live in their own home ’til they die or go to a nursing home. As we age, however, our needs may change gradually. These authors certainly validate Heritage of Hope’s recommendation that one do some research, explore all available options, and then plan for one’s decline as well as their death. One question to pursue–does  your long term care insurance pay for in-home health care? Please see Your 4th Quarter Game Plan, pages 118-120, in the Heritage of Hope Workbook for additional questions to consider.  How many problems might be alleviated if we had a tentative plan in place when our own medical crisis took place?

RESOLVING ISSUES: The creative ways families have resolved the issues that came up when an aging parent joined their active households are illustrated in the later 5 or 6 chapters. Numerous case histories are used to illustrate the inevitable problems as well as creative, thoughtful, and loving solutions. I found this section to be a treasure chest of insights gained from the actual experiences of families involved in multigenerational living. The thoughtful questions and approaches suggested reveal the counseling backgrounds of the authors as well as their depth of experience in working through these issues. One nugget: Different attitudes yield different outcomes to the same circumstance. I found the book so insightful, I intend to reread it at a later date. Join me?